A New Eve

A Single Mom to a son with autism navigating working, dating, relationships and my walk with Jesus

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  • You Do Not Have Because You Do Not Ask

    Reading through James in my Bible this week, there was a verse that stood out to me. Maybe stood out is too modest. I read a verse that jumped out of the page, latched onto me, and stuck with me through the week. “You do not have because you do not ask. And when you do ask, you do not receive because you ask with the wrong motives, that you may squander it on your pleasures.” James Chapter 4.

    As someone who is in the early stages of a major life transformation through Christ, I had to ask myself…am I wanting because I do not ask? And if I asked for what i truly wanted, would I have the right motives?

    I am a single mom to a beautiful 7 year old son with stage 4 autism. For those who don’t know, it is a more severe case. He is non verbal and required special attention and help due to large developmental delays. Some Christians have what they call a “boring testimony” and I wish I had one of those. My testimony is a bit more jaw dropping and maybe even offensive to some. I was living in some of the most extreme sin you can imagine. I will write my testimony in another post soon, or you can listen to the first episode of “A New Eve” on Apple Podcasts if you don’t want to wait.

    When God pulled me out of my life of sin, he commissioned me for something new. He provided me with a sales job that brought in just enough income to cover my son and my bills. It’s been a few years of making just enough to get by, and if I’m honest….sometimes I get real tired. I get tired of being the provider, the cook, the maid. I didn’t expect God to deliver me and give me financial comfort right away, but I was hoping I wouldn’t be here this long. I’ve watched people who came to Christ at the same time as me have businesses that took off, get major job promotions that elevated them financially, meet wonderful husbands who took care of and provided for them. And sometimes I ask myself, why not me God? Some days I have patience and faith and other days I fight tears of frustration and exhaustion. Then this week, I came across the verse above.

    Do I not have financial security because I do not ask for it? Do I not have a husband because I do not ask for it? And honestly…why haven’t I been asking God for things? When I talk to him I almost feel like I have to be selfless, like having desire is not holy. I’m so quick to ask for forgiveness and to pray for others…but not for my own wants or needs. But here in James it clearly states that I do not have because I do not ask. Which leads me to my next question. If I did ask God for better finances and he gave it to me, would I steward it well? Or is my desire to ask rooted in wanting to fulfill selfish pleasures? Then my mind drifted to a verse in Psalms.

    Psalm 37:4 “Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.”

    Okay so God wants to give us the desires of our heart, but he says when we ask and have selfish motives we do not receive. For a minute this confused me, but I did some research and now I can tell you what someone much smarter and more qualified than me said. The breakdown of Psalm 37:4 is that when we delight in the Lord, he is then willing to give us the desires of our heart. Because when we delight in him it transforms us. When we truly walk with Jesus our hearts are transformed to love what he loves. Therefore, our desires change from selfish ambition to ambition for the things that please him.

    Despite the verse from Psalms above, I still struggle with the idea of asking God for things. I mean how do I even ask for more finances without that being selfish? Or even a husband (sometimes I don’t feel like I deserve one of those but that is a different blog post for a different day). There are children in third world countries who are starving and I would be sitting in front of the God of the World asking him for my little desires? Matthew 7:11 says “If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your father give good gifts to those who ask him.” I mean come on. I am seeing over and over again in scripture that God wants us to ask for things, and when we have the right intentions he loves to give us good gifts. So clearly this is a me issue.

    My prayer this week is “Lord, help me understand why I do not believe you want to bless me, help me with my mindset of lack, help me have bigger faith. Give me the desire to study your work and to know you so that your desires become my desires. What do you want to teach me about myself here Lord? What would you like me to learn from this?” Oh yeah, and I’m going to start asking him for things…because hey, he told me to. Maybe in a future blog post I’ll be able to share that it worked.

  • From A Weed Addict To The Daughter Of A King

    I have always struggled with addiction. Part of me wants to say it started back when I witnessed the death of my short term boyfriend, part of me thinks it is something I’ve had since birth. When I like something, I over-do it. Whether its a cup of coffee, nicotine, a joint, you name it. I could probably find a way to be addicted to it. I always figured I would be that way forever. Weed was my main vice, but why give it up? I didn’t act crazy on it, it didn’t seem to destroy my relationships or my life the way opiates or alcohol would, it didn’t make me hungover….so why make any changes?

    In 2023 I radically encountered the Holy Spirit. He visited me during a serious case of strep throat and gave me a vision of what my future could be if I left behind the life I was currently living and followed him. I felt peace and warmth like I had never felt before. It was a feeling of love that I DESPERATELY needed. As an OnlyFans & social media creator, my followers were going up while my mental health was on a steeeep downward spiral. In fact, it had jumped off a cliff. Shame had taken over my life and at that point, I was hoping for a miraculous parachute to appear as my soul was free falling toward the ground. I kept hoping for worldly parachutes like more money, or a relationship that would rescue me and finally help me feel whole.

    Jesus was not the parachute I was expecting.

    Let’s save my life story for another blog post. So why did I quit smoking weed? Well, mainly because Jesus told me to. The second he visited me I was convicted. In fact, I used weed to keep myself from feeling emotions so regularly that when I felt that overwhelming sense of love, joy and peace after the Holy Spirit visited me…I couldn’t sit in those emotions. Not even in the good ones. The second the visit from the Holy Spirit ended, I laid there on the floor overwhelmed with the most amazing feelings I had ever felt. Instantly my addiction attacked and I wanted to smoke and numb out. I had been numbing for such a long time, I didn’t realize feeling ANY emotion was no longer something my brain could handle. I was astounded. For so long I had thought I was smoking to keep out the bad. It turns out there is no such thing. When you numb, you keep yourself from experiencing the bad AND the good.

    I would love to sit here and tell you that I quit smoking the day I started my walk with God and never smoked again. That is not my story. I have struggled and fallen many times, especially in the first part of my walk. And boy did the devil capitalize on those opportunities to make me feel guilt and shame. I fell and got up, fell and got up again, fell for awhile and stayed down….got up again. I kept struggling with the sin, wrestling it, losing over and over. Addiction is so challenging. It’s the enemy lying to you…telling you how good it will feel to go back just one more time, and then attacking you with accusations the second you give in. It brings you shame in an attempt to make you feel like you need to run from God. I would love to share the most important thing I learned in my battle with my weed addiction.

    I was losing because I was trying to fight the sin without the Holy Spirit. We can’t fight temptation on our own. See, I was trying to win my battle against addiction while reading a bible verse or two a week and sprinkling in some biblical podcasts here and there. Yes I was going to church, yes I was in a small group…and let me tell you, some days that small group was the only reason I didn’t smoke that day. But I wasn’t allowing the Holy Spirit to dwell inside me in a way that enabled him to deliver me from temptation. What did Jesus do when he was tempted by Satan? He recited scripture. The Word of God was the antidote. I didn’t start experiencing freedom until I dove deeply into the word. Knowing that scripture changed me, memorizing scripture gave me a weapon to fight the enemy with. Suddenly I was overcoming. I was still tempted but I had my sword on me. When the temptation arose, bible verses started to appear in my head and the presence of the Holy Spirit began to overtake my heart. I clung on to this verse in James “But each one is tempted when he is dragged away by his own evil desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full grown, gives birth to death.” When the enemy tried to lie to me, to tell me weed wasn’t that bad, that I could just quit tomorrow….I had to have the truth in my mind ready to combat the lies. Sin leads to DEATH. Period. I will not listen to a liar when i know the truth that will set me free.

    If you are a Christian who is stuck in addiction and can’t seem to get out, the Bible told me exactly what to do. James 5:16 “Therefore confess your sins to one another and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” No matter what the enemy wants you to believe you are not alone. MANY Christians are struggling with similar things. There is so much freedom in confession. In fact confession and prayer is the key to becoming free. Find someone you can trust who is walking with the Lord to confess and have accountability. Next, study the word. If you have trouble finding the motivation to dive into scripture, ask for it. One of my favorite miracles in my life has been watching God answer my prayers for a desire for his word.

    Jesus is not a God of shame, he is a God of righteous conviction, of holy motivation to turn from the error of our ways. I am so thankful that in my deep shame and my feelings of unworthiness….he met me there. He reminded me that I am a daughter of the king, that I have a mission and purpose on this earth nobody else can replace. When I was deep in sin and in addiction he confronted me. Then looked at me and lovingly said, “Now my daughter, go and sin no more”.